I was 43 years old when my best friend – my vibrant 69 year old mama – was diagnosed with a particularly aggressive form of dementia. As anyone who has experienced this disease knows, the ambiguous losses pile up slowly but surely. Anticipatory grief also became a reality when the hard days spoke loud and clear: “this is a progressive, terminal illness. She is only going to get worse.” My heart shattered a little more each day watching an irreversible disease take hold of her mind and body.
When I was 45, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal lung cancer. We got exactly 6 months with him from the time of diagnosis until his death. Life as I knew it became unrecognizable. Acute grief fought for prime real estate with ambiguous and anticipatory grief. It was a horribly planned party with no visible exit in site.
Not to mention, 45 is right smack in the middle of midlife, which hadn’t been kind to me. Self care had never been my strong suit. I had never thought of myself as needing saving. But I had a innate knowing that things couldn’t continue the way they were.
The first thing I did was take stock of my current situation:
I was 45 years old, 50lbs over the weight I wanted to be, grieving the sudden loss of my dad and a full time care partner for my beloved mama. I was a mom myself to 4 young men and a teenage daughter. A wife to my husband of almost 20 years. A devoted social worker who had spent 17 years using 90% of my empathy to lead from my heart as a profession. Full on perimenopause and untreated sleep apnea created a decades old sleep deficit. Then there was a surprise major neurosurgery in 2020 smack in the middle of early COVID. Recovery was painful, long and unavoidable.
The facts were grim: I was bone weary exhausted to the point of severe burn out. Midlife + grief is no joke. Grief and loss were so heavy, I felt defeated before I could even begin to focus on taking care of myself. Unrelenting sadness governed my days, with voices telling me to just stay in bed. Work became unmanageable. Before long, I found myself on a leave from my career.
But, in the midst of all of this, a tiny voice was starting to break through. She wrapped her arms around me and whispered: “You need a plan. This can’t go on forever. The only person coming to save you is you. She deserves attention. It might be inconvenient, but now is the time”.
So I started to put one foot in front of the other to walk my way out of the fire:
Sleep: My physical health was a disaster. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, chronic inflammation, untreated sleep apnea, hormones all over the place. It was overwhelming. But I quietly dusted off my sleep apnea machine and simultaneously focused on sleep hygiene – routine became my very best friend. Upping my bedtime and focusing on rest in the evenings was critical. Hot bath, comfy pjs, some guided meditation and a good book to read became a non-negotiable nightly routine. Then I would strap on my sleep apnea machine and sleep. I let myself sleep whenever I felt tired – day or night.
Honoring grief: After focusing on sleep, I knew I needed to honor my grief. Losing my dad was a shock to my system that upset the entire world as I knew it. Living with ambiguous and anticipatory grief around my mom’s illness was unrelenting but I started to prioritize living in the moment with her. Gratitude became a central feature to honor both of my parents. Honoring their lives was the foundation I created to start building a belief in myself.
Clinical support: The next thing I prioritized was clinical support for my professional burnout and the unrelenting duties of caregiving. I knew I needed help. So I found myself a great therapist. I booked a year’s worth of appointments with her and committed to unraveling the hot mess I had become from work and caregiving.
Fitness and nutrition support: Then I looked at my body without judgement and realized that she needed me to help her feel better. I contacted coach Leanne and started on a fitness and nutrition journey. My goal was to simply nourish and strengthen my body. It was liberating to break up with diet culture and focus on life sustaining support for a healthy body.
Consistency: At first it all seemed overwhelming. There was so much to learn. But each day, I got out of bed, and decided that all I had to do was show up for myself. Some days, that meant walking 5 km on my treadmill. Other days, it looked like putting on my workout clothes, laying on the floor in my home gym, crying. No matter what, the theme was consistency. Consistently showing up, consistently paying attention, consistently committing to feel better.
Accountability: I joined TEAM IRON elles and focused on weekly check ins to get invested in the bigger picture of how things evolve. I booked non-negotiable training sessions at the gym with coach Leanne and committed to other fitness challenges at home. Using a food scale and an app to track my food intake in the beginning helped me stay on plan.
Success started to happen. Slowly but surely, I noticed subtle changes. My mood improved (turns out training is a phenomenal outlet for feelings). My clothes started to fit better. The scale started to trend down. The world didn’t fall apart when I missed my daughter’s ball practice to train with Leanne. My grief was still a constant companion, but I was learning to live again.
Before I knew it I was celebrating a one year anniversary with TEAM IRON elles. The scale was down 35 lbs. <Check out Nicole’s Transformation pics>I bought a new wardrobe that fit. Miss Midlife decided she was no longer welcome at the party and shyly took her leave.
Life continues to happen – things inevitably come up that cause stress and the potential for my foundation to crumble. My beloved mama passed away in January of this year. It was another blow that set me back emotionally in terms of how far I have come learning to navigate my grief. I’ve realized that grief, unlike midlife, will always be a constant companion. But this most recent loss did not destroy the foundation I have built in learning to live with grief in midlife: prioritizing my health has become a lifelong habit that has finally become sustainable. Going back to the basic building blocks of focusing on sleep, honoring my grief, clinical, fitness and nutrition support, consistency and accountability have helped me keep the most important thing in tact through it all: honoring myself.
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